Angus Woodward: "A Brief History of Toast" (short fiction)

Caution: Guy Writing

Angus Woodward is a writer and a teacher of writing. He has taught college writing since 1990 and is the founding director of the Center for Innovative Teaching & Engagement at Franciscan Missionaries of Our Lady University in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. His books of fiction are Down at the End of the River (Margaret Media, 2008), Americanisation (Livingston Press, 2011), and Oily (upcoming in 2018 from Spaceboy Books). His writing has been published a variety of periodicals, including recent scholarly pieces in Faculty Focus and Impact, short stories in Fiction Southeast and Alimentum, and personal essays in Medical Literary Messenger and Normal School.

Oxford American hailed Americanisation as “a hilariously crafted postmodern novel wedged into the template of a social-studies textbook for immigrants.” Of Americanisation’s innovative form, the New York Journal of Books said, “Since the novel is 500 years old, it has been hypothesized that the idiom is exhausted of original ideas. With Americanisation, Mr. Woodward disproves this hypothesis….” Americanisation also made Library Journal’s list of notable first novels for fall 2011. Michael Griffith called it " A darkly comic, delightful book.” Michael Martone said it was "...a hilarious simulacrum, a map more detailed than the thing it is meant to represent," and added, "It is drop-dead, deadpan funny.” You can contact Angus at awoodw64(at)gmail.com.

Journal and Anthology Publications

NON-FICTION:

*"I Wrote Something. This Is Not It," (Normal School, 2009)

*"Eleven in the Huddle," (Sport Literate, 2008)

*“Louisiana’s New Political Landscape,” (Living Blue in the Red States [anthology], University of Nebraska Press, 2007)

*“Lessons from Joe,” (Voices of Lung Cancer [anthology], LaChance, 2007)

*“Subjects for Other Conversations by John Stigall,” (Xavier Review, Summer 2002)

*“Frozen Embraces/Zamrznuti Zagrljaji by Biljana Obradovic,” (World Literature Today, Winter 2002).

*“Le Riche Monde by Biljana Obradovic,” (Prairie Schooner, Fall 2001).

*“Voodoo Poems and Magic Prose,” (The Writer's Chronicle, March/April
2001).

*“Trespassers,” (Brevity, Fall 1999).

*“Aviary Slag by Jacques Servin,” (Iowa Review, December 1997).

*“Anthony Kellman's Watercourse,” (Northwest Review, Spring 1992).

*“Toward a Definition of Poetic Fiction,” (Calypso, December 1990).

*“Anne Waldman's Helping the Dreamer,” (New Delta Review, Fall 1989).

*FICTION:

*"Applesauce" (Stolen Stories [anthology], Forest Publications)

*“The Product Tester’s Report” (Mochila Review, 2007)

*“Bad Word Storm” (Nightsun, 2007)

*“A Brief History of Toast” (Alimentum, Summer 2006)

*“Captivated” (Xavier Review, Spring 2004)

*“One Thing You Must Never Do” ( Sudden Stories [anthology], Mammoth Books, 2003)

*“Out There in TV Land,” (Pennsylvania English, Spring 2001).

*“Don't Put Me Down,” (Talking River Review, Summer 2000).

*“All Hail Digredi,” (In Praise of Pedagogy [anthology], Calendar Islands,
2000).

*“The Ride,” (Habersham Review, Spring 1998).

*“Hampton Figs,” (Gulf Stream Magazine, Spring 1997).

*“Qatar Is an Emirate,” (Louisiana Literature, Fall 1992).

*“The Story of Jane and George,” (The Dominion Review, Spring 1992).

*“Arrivals and Departures,” (The Laurel Review, Winter 1992).

*“Sooner or Later,” (Innisfree, July-August 1991).

*“Ice Cold,” (Innisfree, May-June 1991).

*“First Things First,”(Tucumcari Literary Review, September 1990).

*“Curiosities,” (Soundings East, July 1990).

*“That Particular Incident,” (Poultry, Fall 1989).

*POETRY:

*“The Recipe for Tomato Cabal” (Alimentum, Summer 2006).

*“A Tour of the Ferocious,” (Visual Poetry: An Artistic Dialogue, Baton Rouge Gallery exhibit and exhibition catalog, 1999).

*“Sisterhood,” “Gunland,” and “El Cheapo Poem About My Old Guitar Teacher,” (KingLog, Fall 1998: ).

*“Untitled Ode #5,772,” (Satire, Spring 1997).

*“The Seven Thousandth Day,” (Wisconsin Review, Winter 1993).

*“Azalea Street Winter,” (The Bellingham Review, Spring 1992).

*“The Newsman's Premonition,” (Birmingham Poetry Review, Summer 1991).

*“Love Song in Two Dimensions,” (Rhino, Fall 1990).

I had the honor of seeing this story in print (Alimentum, Spring 2006):

A Brief History of Toast

Toast comes in many varieties. You've got your fifteen-year toast, your ten-year toast, and your five-year toast. I don't recommend the five-year.

The Toast Hall of Fame in Bisbee, Arizona displays fourteen slices of presidential toast and pays tribute to a host of toast pioneers, including Hal Sponson, developer of toast on a stick; John Shoulderblade, credited with being the first to butter both sides of toast; Bette Smoonterly, patroness of many turn of the century toast painters; and of course Jacques Serving, Canadian inventor of French toast (which the British call "eggy shingle").

Toast was actually created long before bread came on the scene. Individual pieces were cooked over open flames or in special dung-fired kilns for centuries before Isaac Loaf, the Earl of Bread hit upon the idea of forming toast dough into logs, toasting it, then slicing the finished product. Society was amazed at the softness of "raw toast," as they called it, and bread, as it came to be known, soon appeared as a lining in hats, a stuffing for couch cushions, and a padding for the earliest dentist's chairs.

Toast theorists predict that the toast of the future will contain special whole-grain microchips that may be programmed to produce optimum texture, temperature, and brownage for each slice.

In Laos, toast is made from a crude metal derived from the mineral-rich soil unique to the region.

In 1744, during the Greco-Samoan war of 1612, Samoan warriors outfitted themselves with armor, hatchets, and shoes fashioned from crisp whole wheat toast. The outcome of the ensuing battle with Greek battalions has become the stuff of legend: using giant parabolic mirrors, the Greek army charred the Samoan toast and carried the day.

A primitive tribe in the Amazon basin uses toast as currency. Along the coast of the same continent, many fishermen use toast as bait for yellowfin tuna. The Eskimo language contains 47 words for toast. In the U.S., many housewives keep a slice of toast handy in the kitchen for striking matches, scrubbing pots, and scaring away vicious hounds. Several pieces of toast were left behind on the moon by astronauts in the early 1970's.

The American Toast Council's advertisements have been a source of entertainment for years and have introduced catch-phrases such as "love that scratchin' sound!" to daily language.

The world record for throwing toast is 713 feet, set by Georgia Plains of Plains, Georgia.

The Catholic Church has recognized the religious significance of toast.

For the artist, toast presents many special opportunities. Subtle variations in temperature, voltage, and wind speed produce an endless variety of hues and textures. Through manipulation of such variables and the application of tinted butters, jams, and oils, artists have achieved breathtaking results, as seen in such famous slices as "OK at the Shootout Corral" and "Can I Never Explode?"

It is impossible to imagine a context in which the adjective "nefarious" can be applied to toast. Can we say the same for crackers?

Angus Woodward

Caution: Guy Writing

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"A Brief History of Toast" (short fiction)

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